Introduction

By now you’ve probably read the subtitle to 487 Indisputable Truths at least a few times over. In it, I have endeavored to succinctly sum up the people for whom this book is not intended: the un-American weasels, hypersensitive PC types, and humorless bores among us (and, I am loath to report, they are many and they often seem to be multiplying). By now you likely have a pretty good feeling as to whether or not this is for you. Just to be safe, though, here’s a little more on whence 487 Indisputable Truths comes.

This book is for real people. It is for people who believe in God, family, and country. It is for people who cherish liberty but accept individual responsibility. It is for people who enjoy life and the good it has to offer. And it is for people who think the occasional belly laugh is a truly noble idea.

It is not for un-American weasels who badmouth this great country while safely sheltered by the freedoms it guarantees. It is not for the hypersensitive, politically correct types who want to run out and hire an ACLU lawyer to sue every time someone says something as harmless as, “You look nice today.” And, above all, it is not for anyone whose epitaph is likely to read “Here lies a sourpuss who never cracked a smile.” It’s that simple.

That disclaimer, er, introduction said, here’s the deal on the Truths contained herein:
Some of the Truths contained in this little book are absolutely, positively, unequivocally irrefutable. They are about as debatable as the sky is blue, birds fly, and the sun sets in the west. Who, for instance, could possibly disagree with Truth number one: “The United States is the greatest country ever conceived”? This cannot be argued. Nor can number 208: “Life is not fair.” It’s not.

Some of the Truths may sound harsh. Sometimes, as it’s said, the truth hurts. Number 38 is a prime example: “Most people don’t look like something out of Cosmo or GQ.” Simply put, beautiful people are the exception rather than the rule. This isn’t designed to be mean or degrading; it’s designed to, once again, tell the truth. Look, too, at number 386: “What this country needs is more ‘drug deals gone bad,’ in which all the gang-bangers involved whack one another.” This may sound insensitive but, by God, our streets would be safer and we’d all be better off.

Some of the “Truths”—and here the word is purposely put in quotation marks—are really just meant to be fun and flippant and give a good poke to assorted persons, places, and things (lighten up, people!). Take, for example, number 112: “A comb-over haircut will not fool anyone into thinking you’re not bald.” Why do people do this? You couldn’t dupe a third grader with that hairstyle. Another good jab gets thrown in Truth number 234: “Sweetest Day is a Hallmark holiday.” Truth be told—and we’re doing a lot of that here—it’s just another made-up holiday foisted upon us to make people (mainly men) feel obligated and/or guilty and to generate millions of dollars for greeting card companies and florists.

Finally, some of the Truths are just it-happens-all-the-time, Murphy’s Law-like observations I’ve formulated about how things work. Look at number 421: “No matter how thoroughly you pooper-scoop prior to mowing your lawn, you will always miss at least one pile.” Not exactly a world-changing, life-altering observation—it’s about dog droppings for heaven’s sake—but I’ll eat my hat if it isn’t 100 percent true. Ditto number 425: “Even if you are flipping among a football game, a basketball game, a movie, and a newscast, every time a commercial runs on one of the channels there will be a commercial on the other three at the same time.” That, as Sinatra might well have put it, is life.

Chances are you won’t agree with absolutely every Truth listed. But I will wager that as you flip through the pages of 487 Indisputable Truths you’ll find yourself scratching your head and thinking, just like I did, “Isn’t that the truth?”

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